Gnome and Dialogue Merge
#1 — jeffrey
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A tiny, wise old gnome named Pip wearing a moss-green velvet coat steps onto his crooked toadstool-porch. His silver beard braids are featured with tiny bells that chime softly as he turns. Pip peers down the cobblestone path into the misty forest, where Barnaby's pale amber lantern flickers.
the gnome adjusted his spectacles, the brass bells singing a sharper tune. "Late again!" he grumbled, though his eyes twinkled with relief. The lantern bobbed closer, revealing the squirrel clutching a piece of something broken. The gnome stepped back, the porch creaking under Barnaby the squirrel.
A frantic squirrel in a dapper silk vest tumbled from the rafters, chattering indignantly, "Late? I’ve been waiting an hour! My acorn vault’s lock is jammed, and you’re the only one with the magic touch!"
He stomped his tiny foot, his tail twitching as he impatiently adjusted his bow-tie.
The gnome sighed, rubbing Barnaby's nut-sack. The frantic squirrel paced a hole in Pip's porch planks "Dammit Barnaby!" Pip murmured, reaching into his pants. A Half-an almond for you? grabbing the almond, Pip oops exposed himself to Barnaby, "This aint downtown hanky-panky. Squirrel you test my nerves"
Barnaby the squirrel screeched, his whiskers vibrating with sheer-unadulterated shock. He dropped his acorn!
Eyes bulging as he stumbled backward, tripping over his own bushy tail. "By the Great Oak, Pip" he squeaked, clutching his chest, "I came here for a locksmith! not a gnome drop exposure! yikes!"
Oh no, they all cried at once, here comes mean old Mr Sabarese!
"What you damn critters doing out here, boy!? You and your weird-ass glowin genitals! And your goofy-ass squirrel whore darting around here. Probably gimme rabies, you sum-bitches! Get-on outta here, ya filthy disease-carrying Shits!
Our tiny Pip, the Gnome head hung, sunk into his moss-green velvet coat with utter disappointment in humanity.
Mean old Sabarese didn't see Pip standing off behind the Squirrel. Still, Pip doesn't handle stress well so now that the drama sinks in, he'll probably get smashed on booze! silly gnome
Barnaby being the nut-job that he is, said
"Aw, Pip! My good Gnome! You can expose yourself at me if you truly must."
Barnaby darted up a nearby tree, and sat on a branch, staring down at Pip the gnome is by now about half in-the-bag from the Irish whisky he's drinking straight from the bottle.
A shimmer of violet light parted the mist as Fiona, a dryad clad in woven starlight, glided down. With a deft twirl of her fingers, she snatched Pip’s whiskey bottle, instantly transforming it into a glowing crystal flute of elderberry wine.
Gentlemen, try to behave, she purred, tasting the wine.
Barnaby the Squirrel loved watching Fiona the dryad relieve Pip the gnome in his possession of the spirits. "You tell that fat piece of shit drunken gnome, Fiona! You tell him. Just pour it on Pip's sad old face! Cheer him up."
(Fiona gave Barnaby a look that could kill, then smiled at Pip)
Flicker-flashing a seed from her glowing vial, Fiona snapped, "Quiet, you chatterbox!" The seed burst in violet sparks, transfiguring Barnaby into a glossy black crow. "Caw!" Crazy squawked, snatching Pip's beard-bell as he took flight. Fiona turned, confiscating Pip's flask.
(Scoffs, the soft chiming of brass bells rustling as he shakes his head)
"A dryad in starlight... of course. Because this damp, miserable ditch wasn't crowded enough. Give that back, Fiona! It’s medicine for the morning damp."
(Fiona's soft amused hum seemed to mellow the group. Pip attuned to The crystalline clink of a glass flute.)
"Medicine, Pip? It smells more like kerosene and regret. If you must poison your liver before the sun even clears the canopy, at least drink something that doesn't strip the bark off the trees."
(Cackling from up in the branches, rustling leaves)
"She’s got you there, old-man! She’s got you! Drop the fancy glass, Fiona--let’s see if the problem-drinker can jump high enough to catch it! Jump, Pip! jump, you fat-little drunken fart-sack!"
(Spits on the dirt, a heavy sigh)
"I’m too old for tree-rats and optical illusions. Barnaby, shut your trap or I'll braid a bell to your nose. Now... who's going to explain why the amber lantern down the path just went dark?"
(Cackles, clutching Pip's stolen beard-bell)
"Drop the glass, Fiona! Or maybe I'll drop this... Jump, gnome, jump! Catch it if you can, hahah!" (chimes the bell)
That's right, I'm a damn-crazy crow now!
Deal with it.
(A violent gust of wind howls, instantly freezing Fiona’s glass of wine solid)
the radio barked, "WARNING: LOCALIZED GRAVITY ANOMALY DETECTED." (A loud "pop!" rings out, and suddenly everyone is floating three feet off the ground)
(Heavy boots stomp on the gravel. Mean old Sabarese is back!)
"Keep it down, you overgrown parakeet!", he barked, "Pip, if I find one more whiskey bottle on my porch, I'm charging you rent! Clear off my property, the whole lot of you shit-heads!"
(He shakes a rusty rake at the creatures)
(Pip the gnome is shocked that he is now physically floating)
"By gosh, Fiona!", Pip gasped, "What magic is this!? I understand you dont want me to imbibe of my mother's milk in the morning, but this is ridiculous!"
"Hey, Crow! fun.", Pip said to Crazy, "What if I float up there by you? Weeee!!"
G
(The crow Crazy cackles wildly, flapping its glossy wings and looping around the floating gnome.)
"Higher, Pip, higher!" Crazy squawked.
Sabarese lunged forward, swiping his rake at Pip's dangling boots. "Get down here, you gravity-defying nuisance! You're ruining my cabbage patch!"
"Mr Sabarese, my friends are tired of you. I'm tired of you. That means we're all tired of you now. I do believe it's time we have a vacation from you, don't you? Let's see. Where shall I send you? Hmm? I've got it. Enjoy your trip, sir. You'll wake up in your bed in a few days. Buh-bye for now!"
And that brings us to the close of our story, folks. Mr Sabarese has disappeared into Fiona's mystery destination for old bugger butt-wipes. The gnome is drunk on Irish whisky. The squirrel turned into a crow, and got cocky. And Fiona disappeared into the mist, dissolved back to her dimension. Bye-bye!